Willy Wonka and the Navy Pier

Erm, has anyone bothered to check out the draft master plan for the expansion of Navy Pier? It reads like something that Augustus Gloop and Veruca Salt might have concocted on a sugar high after their tour of Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory.

The draft plan calls for an 80,000-square-foot indoor water park, a 260-foot Ferris wheel, and a hotel that would float on Lake Michigan. And because Streeterville needs more traffic, the plan also calls for two “boat-like parking facilities,” also to be moored on the lake. We understand that the floating car parks are to be staffed by Oompa Loompas.

But no draft master plan for a civic tourist attraction is truly complete without a proposal to build a monorail system. We’re happy to report that The Metropolitan Pier and Exposition Authority’s plan doesn’t disappoint, reviving this prohibitively expensive, yet irresistibly gimmicky 1980s fad. Unless monorails are genuine light rail systems that connect to other parts of the city, they are a waste of money.

The master plan does have its merits. It calls for the construction of a new venue for Chicago Shakespeare Theater, and for “dining options, club entertainment and an artists’ workshop/gallery” on the Dock Street promenade. Those suggestions seem like positive ways to utilize the beautiful lakefront.

The plan will now be shopped around to vocal resident groups and influential politicians, captains of industry and so on for input. But don’t hold your breath. According to the MPEA’s press release, “costs and funding for the master plan have not yet been determined.”

They’d better start searching for a golden ticket.

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